I grew up with two working parents. I got use to walking home from school in a mad dash because I was scared shitless. Sometimes, because of the girls that were going to kick my ass. Sometimes, because I was scared that someone was going to kidnap me. And sometimes, because I was going to miss, “Days of our lives”. So, when I made the decision to have children, I knew that I was going to be a stay at home mom. I wanted to be home to take my kids to school and to pick them up from school. I was going to be home to help them with their homework, fix them a good snack, and let them be involved in after school activities. I didn’t want them to have that fear that I had. So, I knew that I was going to put my school days behind me. Not go to college. And raise the best kids I could. That was my decision. And, it was easier in laa laa land because that was the thing to do. Be that very perfect mommy, be active in church, have that perfectly clean and organized house, and not bitch about how utterly lonely you were.
When the divorced happened…ahhh…I had freedom that I never knew was possible. The whole world was open to me for the first time. But, the kids. I still had the kids to worry about. And how hard moving out of that life was for them. I wanted to try and make it as less stressful as I could and I wanted to try and make it as normal for them as I could. Their lives had been turned upside down too. Everyone they knew and everything they knew was gone. So, I made a sacrifice again. I would work from home, doing odd jobs, working for little companies that needed those odd jobs done. This way, I could set my own hours, still make ends meet, and be home for my kids. (They don’t even know that I work). Mom’s home; she is there if I need her, if I forget something, if I get sick and need to come home, or in today’s case….if I decide that I don’t want to get up in time, she will still take me to school, even though it throws the whole morning off of schedule, she will save me again. I don’t have to be responsible. Mom will bail me out.
This is what I felt sixteen year old was thinking this morning. Because, even though I tell him every night to set his alarm and to be ready to leave for school no later than 7 o’clock. He is constantly getting up at 10 to 7 and begging for a ride to school. And, I have constantly told him, that I have to take diva to school at 7:30 and I need to be here in the morning to help her get ready, pack her lunch, make sure that Mr. K. is getting ready, etc. And that when he is running late, it throws the whole morning off and stresses out the rest of us. He doesn’t seem to care. I finally told him on Friday, that from now on, he will walk to school (a whole 5 blocks) if he is not upstairs and ready to go no later than 7 o’clock. So, this morning I was sticking to my guns. He strolled up stairs at 7:11. (School starts at 7:15! ) And I just looked at him and said, “Have fun walking”. Oh, he was pissed! He tried to tell me his alarm clock didn’t go off. “Better get going, school starts in 4 minutes.” He had the nerve to sit down and complain some more. Telling me that it wasn’t his fault. Telling me that he will be late anyhow, so couldn’t I just take him to school after I take diva? I really didn’t want to, I tried with all my mommy might to make him walk. So I said, ” Fine, but, I am going to start charging you for my time when you are late. It will cost you 5 dollars each time that you are not ready to leave at 7.” I got the rolled eyes, the snotty attitude, and the “whatever” response. I am seething at this point.
After dropping off diva, and on the way to the High School, I told him how “this” makes me feel. “It’s not me being mad at you because you got up late, it’s the fact that you constantly want me to bail you out. That since, I am a stay at home mom, and don’t have a “job” to go to, you use that to your advantage. I feel used and unappreciated. I feel like you don’t want to take on any responsibility to get up on time, because you know that I will bail you out of your problem. That you don’t think that I have anything important to do other than to take you to school. What would you do if I did have to be at work at a certain time? Hmmm….. I know what you would do. You would take some responsibility and be ready at 7 o’clock. Otherwise, you know that you would have to walk to school. My time isn’t yours. You really need to stop walking all over me and treating my like shit!”
Yes, I ranted and raved. He got the point. He apologized profusely.
“Don’t say your sorry, prove that you are sorry with your actions.”
Guess we’ll see how tomorrow morning goes.
But, all of this, has me wondering if I have made the right decision by being home so much. Since, my parents worked, I learned responsibility at a really young age. I learned to be street smart. I learned to rely on me, not someone else. And, right now I honestly don’t know how to teach my children this! I could really use some advice right now that isn’t from my mom. Because I know what she would say. “Get a job outside the house”. And I would be thinking…. what was right for you, isn’t necessarily what is right for me mother.
So, for those of you that are reading this….let me have it, what do I do?
Tags: advice, Divorce, get a job, getting up late, high school, learn responsibility, rant and rave, running late, sacrifice, stay home mom, street smart, stressed out, teenagers, working parents
October 6th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
I think about this all the time. I’ve been a SAHM since my oldest was born (she’s 11) b/c I had a shitty childhood and had to take care of my younger brother from the time he was 2 and I was 7. I wanted my kids to be safe, to feel important and loved, and I didn’t want someone else to raise them (or worse, for them to raise themselves like I did.)
Well, I’ve provided all that, and they have a pretty great life (if I do say so myself.) They’re dad and I have a good marriage, we have a home, and while we try not to indulge them greatly & teach them responsibility, they certainly don’t want for anything. But now I think, are their lives too easy? Do they need something to work hard at or struggle against to be good people? Have I done them a disservice by giving them the “perfect” life?
In all reality, nothing’s perfect. I’m sure they have issues to deal with–normal issues that seem like nothing to me, but are the world to them b/c they have nothing else to compare it to. And isn’t that what I wanted for them? We do the best we can to be honest with them (especially about my childhood) and show them that others out there have to deal real hardships. We try to expose them to different cultures, environments etc so they can learn from it, but I have no way to know if they really “get it” and I probably won’t until they’re grown and I see what kind of people they become.
You really can’t win–no matter what you do, your kids will have some challenges to face, but I kinda think that that is what life is about. You move past those challenges, and you grow and become better for it in some way. That is my hope for my girls anyway.
Jeesh–holy book batman! SORRY!
October 6th, 2008 at 9:06 pm
I think we had pretty similar childhoods. My parents both worked two jobs to put food on the table so it was just us kids most of the time. They both had day jobs and then would alternate working at night so one of them could be home by bed time. My oldest brother (five years my senior) was in charge of everything, our laundry, packing our lunches, getting us up for school. I think that’s part of why I quit my job to stay home with the kids, I don’t want them to feel their parent’s absence like I did.
You have obviously made a huge sacrifice for your children and I really admire you for it. It’s a tough balance. We’re in a similar boat, my husband and I are stable, secure and have money in the bank so our kids will never want for anything but I plan on making them bust their butts around here to learn independence and responsibility. This is a toughie, if you figure out the answer, let me know. Really!